Young Adult

Sam Cruz's Infallible Guide To Getting Girls By Tallulah Darling

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Romantic advice to my 15-yr-old self

Dear 15-yr-old self,

Any day now, you will be handed your first romance novel, featuring that most dangerous and tantalizing of creatures – the alpha male. Whatever you do, DO NOT read it. That way lies madness and unrealistic expectations.

May I suggest some nice books about day trading? Which have not yet been written but keep an eye out for them because future you needs a retirement plan beyond depending on the kindness of strangers. Books about plumbing are also a good option for two reasons: 1) seeing everyone’s crap will give you a very realistic world view (especially regarding the opposite sex) and 2) see retirement plan above.

If you haven’t learned this already about yourself, (and really, did the 11th birthday party cake fiasco teach you nothing?), you have zero will power. One little historical romance will lead to another, and another, and then you’re furtively getting your witty, sexy guy fix with contemporaries, and paranormals, and urban fantasies until you finally meet Jericho Barrons and then, my dear, it’s game over for you.

Book four of the Fever series will require an intervention. It won’t be pretty, like on reality television either. Which you also have no idea about yet (thank God).

As your hand hovers over that cheesetastic cover, your hormone addled brain eager to glimpse these bad boys, let me inject a little brutal reality. These stories paint a lopsided picture of what life with one of these males would be like. Oh sure, it may seem sexy to have a guy be all possessive, push you up against walls and kiss you, leaving you gasping for breath. But in the real world, we call this stalking and physical violence. And those are both big “no thanks!” in the boyfriend department.

Reading these books will lead you to dump perfectly nice boys with normal haircuts just because they don’t “take charge” enough (i.e. respect your opinion), in favor of ones with slightly too-long hair who wear all black. The only one who should be wearing all-black in your relationships is you because it’s a very flattering color with your skin tone, despite what your mother says.

Do you think you will be attending balls together where he can pull you into a secret alcove for stolen moments of passion? Trust me. As someone who will spend her twenties using milk crates as bookshelves, balls are not in your future.

Perhaps you think you’re going to go out and hunt creatures you thought were mythical but “oh look they’ve shown you otherwise” together? Bzzz. Thanks for playing. That just leads to humiliation, self-injury and occasionally crying children but that won’t be your fault. They were very mature looking for that height. What will be your fault is your fiancé longingly eyeing the ring he gave you as he wonders if he can steal it back while you sleep. (Luckily for you, he will attempt while your finger is swollen with “water weight”. Still, best to avoid that entire incident in the first place.)

Be aware that guys who own any of the following: swords, motorcycles, or perfectly polished Hessians, are not intrinsically better than those who don’t. In fact, as you will learn, the ability to actually cook or even *gasp* bake is incredibly sexy. Warm banana chocolate chip muffins your boy made for you just because it would make you happy > fighting a duel in your honour.

Although the alpha male who wields a hammer is pretty hot, make sure he also actually does the repairs you want done, not just his own projects, which may result in you living with an unfinished bathroom for eight months.

So please, younger me, for my own sake, avoid books where the hero is described as: devilish, scoundrel, rogue, rake, wicked, having a sinful smile, being heartbreakingly handsome, possessive, dominating and/or powerfully sexual.

Failure to do so will result in the above being the names of your many cats because you have totally inappropriate ideas of what constitutes an ideal guy, and you will be alone. (Note the underline.)

There. I’ve had my say. If that doesn’t convince you to stay away from these books and these guys, then I don’t know what will.

What’s that you say? I’ve got the age wrong? You started reading them at fourteen?

D’oh!

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